It's been ridiculously long, and all I have to say is:
Michigan covered with fresh snow is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

home

I sat outside of Heemstra Hall on the still green grass, with blue sky overhead and the wind dragging leaves along the ground. The sounds of h* radio filled the air, and people talked, danced, and played air guitar on the stoop. I had just set down Hard Times and was finishing my clove. This place still feels like home, and it's good to be back. Everyone is loved here and is given a chance to invest in the lives of others. Everything is right with the world...almost.
There are too many times when I feel empty and alone. I lost my best friend and my girlfriend, I'm moving on, but there is still an emptiness in side of me. When will I learn to be content with myself and with God, and to not feel like I need someone else to fill a gap. There are times when I feel content, but I wonder if I will ever feel that way all the time. I have great friends, people who have opened their hearts to me and allowed me to become part of their lives, but they will never fill that hole. Many people say that God fills that hole when we have a strong relationship with him, but I'm not so sure. Has God put a hole inside us that only a life-long commitment to love and to cherish another human being can fulfill? I feel that way sometimes. I need someone to love me in that way, and even more, I need someone that I can love in that way. Someone I can make feel special, someone I can buy flowers for and read poetry with, or sit and talk with until all hours of the night-whether it's a deep theological discussion, or things so ordinary we won't even remember them in the morning.
I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of being in relationships that don't work out. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of having my heart broken. I hate seeing friendships lost.
What is it about love? No matter how many times I get hurt, no matter how many times I screw up, I'm going to keep coming back for more, I'm going to keep trying to do it right. Someday I'll find her, and someday that hole will be filled. I'll be able to sit back and think...all is right with the world.

church

About a month and a half ago I started attending a new church called Mosaic Life. It kinda fits into the emerging church category, but it also seeks to be very diverse. I've been priviledged to meet with the pastor a couple of times for coffee, and it's been great to hear parts of his story and his dream. I'm enjoying this church and I'm looking forward to getting more involved. It's definitely a refreshing change. My parents church is going through a lot of crap right now because people are being stupid, and I'm honestly glad I'm not a part of it. I never really felt a part of that church anyway, as my family started going there shortly before I left for college, and I haven't been around much. The few people that I did know a little better there have all left, and it was time for me to move on too. I'll probably be posting more on this church and my experiences there and my conversations with the pastor. I still owe you more info on "Confessions of an Economic Hitman" as well...I'll have to steal it back from the sister I lent it too.
Grace and Peace.
Love conquers all.

love

"People often don't know what they're talking about, but when they talk about love, they really don't know what they're talking about. The one sure thing you can say about love is that there isn't much you can say about it. Not that you shouldn't try. You can make analogies; love is like lots of things. One thing it's like is a trout stream: try to capture a trout stream with a dam and you get a lake, try to catch it in a bucket and you get a bucket of water; try to stick some under a microscope and you get a close-up look at some writing amorphous microcooties. A trout stream is only a trout stream when it's flowing between its own two banks, at its own pace, in its own sweet way.
Love is also like poison oak. You can't explain poison-oak itch to somebody who's never had it. And you can't explain love to somebody who's never had poison oak...ha! just kidding. What I started to say is that love really is like poison oak, it's highly contagious. Scratch it, it gets worse. Touch other people with it, they catch it too. What love is not like is your average fish; if love was a fish it would be suicidal: it wants to get caught.
I don't know where I caught it first. I suspect that maybe I had it all my life but didn't know it--maybe because of all that cool trout-water pouring over it, lulling it, numbing it, hypnotizing me into not feeling it. I suspect maybe everyone is covered with it, but most everybody doesn't know it for one reason or another. And I suspect that anybody who thinks they don't have it and thinks they don't want it had better be damned careful, because it can get you anytime, anyplace, anyhow, and you don't even know you have it till you find yourself scratching, and the more you scratch the more it itches, and the more it itches the more you like it till you're so infested with the stuff that you sit around writing crap like this when you could be out fishing! It's scary, that love! It can make you dangerous to yourself. It can change you. It can make you do strange things."
-David James Duncan The River Why

I recently finished reading this book and loved it. Pretty great stuff. It spoke to my heart about love and about God. It made me laugh a lot too:)

thankfulness

I don't tend to complain a lot (at least I don't think I do), but I'm not generally very content. I think about how I don't like my job, how I'm sick of living at home, how do I don't feel very useful, how my closest friends aren't around here, and how painful it is to learn the things God is teaching me some times.
But the truth is, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a job that pays well and gives me insurance, and it's pretty easy. I have a great family, and this is a wonderful opportunity to spend time with them and get to know the four most recent additions (and living at home is helping me save money). I have friends here to be thankful for, and I am friends with amazing people scattered all over the country that I have shared wonderful experiences with. I'm learning a lot, even though it's painful, and I'm becoming the man God wants me to be. I'm learning to love and to be loved.
I may not feel very useful right now, but instead of complaining I should do something about that. I think I need to find some sort of organization to volunteer with or something...

P.S. It snowed here...and it stuck on the ground :) Much to be thankful for...it's beautiful.

self-worth

"Don't let anyone else define your self-worth, that's between you and God."
One of our theatre profs used to tell us this all the time. Good advice, but it's definitely hard to do. We let other people define our worth in so many ways.

time zone

Oops....I never set the time zone on this blog...so I actually posted three hours later than it says on all previous posts...just so ya know :)

storms and books

I love thunderstorms...they are so beautiful and powerful.

I love books...I've recently discovered that reading is a great way to take my mind off certain things. I finally finished The Idiot. I love Russian literature, although I like Tolstoy a little more than Dostoyevsky, he does a better job at pulling the reader into the story and captivating one's attention.

I read Confessions of an Economic Hitman over the past week or so. I will definitely post more on this later, but I would definitely recommend it, it was amazing.

I picked A People's History of the United States back up...I had kind of forgotten about it. It's fascintating, but I'm not going to lie-it reads like a history textbook a lot of the time. This makes for very slow going.

At the suggestion of a friend, I picked up The River Why this weekend, I think I'm very much going to enjoy it.

I'm excited to read Tan Como el Jazz soon (Blue like Jazz in Spanish). I enjoy Donald Miller, and this should be a great chance to practice my Spanish skills.

Lots of reading to do...but now I'm going to bed.

Peace.

October and Atol

I made atol this morning...mmmm...brings me back to Nicaragua y la Casita Amarilla. I miss Central America:(

It's October! I love October in Michigan, it's beautiful. It's also a sign that something is closer...

Every Man's Battle

I just finished reading "Every Man's Battle", and I've learned a lot from it. Although it is cheesy, not that great of writing, and super "conservative" (the authors make it sound like it is impossible to watch an R rated movie without sinning...I'm not sure I buy that), I really think that everyone should read it. Guys, if you take it to heart, I'm sure your marriage (present or future) will benefit, and females, it will help you to understand how guys think. Even though some of what you read may scare you, it will definitely be a great thing when you try to understand your boyfriend/husband, and you'll know how to help him work through his struggles to make the relationship better for both of you...check it out.

my theory on music

I think that in general, one can learn to like almost any type of music. I seen numerous people (including myself) say that they would NEVER listen to country, but after being forced to listen to it for a little while, they fall in love with it. I still like country, but working in a warehouse with the radio on all the time got me sick of hearing the same songs over and over again, so I started listening to classic rock and alternative rock, and I fell in love with both genres. Someone even got me to start listening to hip-hop this summer, and I love it now (I just wish the lyrics weren't all so sexual...I've had to give it up for a while as I work on purifying my mind).
Just my observations...

verizon commercial

What's up with the Verizon commercials on the radio? The entire commercial is in English, and after saying the phone number (in English) they say "para Español, marca dos". What the hell is the point? If someone knows no English, they won't know the number to dial or why they're dialing it, just that they're supposed to dial 2. And if they know enough English to understand the commercial, then there is no need to tell them in Spanish that they need to dial 2. I don't get it.

sick

I came down with one hell of a cold monday morning...it sucks.

help people

Here's a few ways you can make a difference, it just takes a second of your time. It may not seem like you're doing alot, but think about the effect if each person gets 5 people to do it too...we'll soon have millions more using these sites and making a considerable difference.
Fight Hunger
Fund Mammograms
Fund Healthcare for Children
Fund Books
Preserve Rainforest
Peace,
Steve

comments

I authorized anonymous comments...so go ahead, comment away. (It'd be nice if you put your name on them though.)

I need God

That's about all there is to it. I keep trying to do things on my own and I keep messing up.

money

Saturday I went to the drag races, and even got to help out with one of the cars a little bit. It was a blast. There's nothing quite like being 30 ft. from a car that does 0-300 in 4 seconds. Quite the sensation.
On one hand, it was a blast, and on the other hand, I couldn't stop thinking about how much money went into just that one day of racing, and how many people could use the money more. It's really like that with all professional sports (and most forms of entertainment, really). If you think you don't contribute to this, your advertising dollars certainly do. And think about the millions that go into television and movies. How do we find a balance between enjoying some of these things and using our time and money for more worthy causes?
I feel pretty worthless lately, like I'm not really doing anything worthwhile. I need to do something to change that.

troy

I just watched Troy. Good movie. I love movies...I wish I had the talent or the skill to do something in the film industry. Theatre would be pretty cool too...such beautiful and powerful mediums.
EDIT: o.k. so maybe it wasn't entirely accurate, and it was definitely hollywood-ized, but it's still a good story with some great lines, and the film was well done.

school

I'm at school right now...kinda. No classes for me (I kinda miss them actually, well, some of them anyway.) I had some time off from work, so I figured it would be good to get away for a little while and take my mind off of things, visit some friends, things like that. It was a pretty dang long ride out here on a motorcycle though. It's definitely good to see friends again though, and this place still feels like home.

I've been learning a lot about myself lately. About how I should live...not because someone tells me too, but because it's healthy for me and for those around me. I'm learning to respect myself, my future wife, and girls in general. God's grace has been amazing. I'm learning to love and to accept God's love and let it flow through me. God wanted to teach me all of these things a while ago, but I was too caught up living for myself and I wasn't listening, and it has cost me dearly. Maybe I'll be able to keep focused on God now and not on living for myself. I would hope that that lesson sticks after experiencing this much pain because of it.

Peace.

no quiero decir adios

No quiero decir adios
Quiero decir nos vemos o buenas noches
Adios causa tanto dolar al corazon
Adios es muy dificil

Creo que no tenemos que decir adios
Podemos hablar más
Podemos amar más
Puede confiarme otra vez

La vida no debe tener tanto dolor
Dolor que es tan facíl para evitar

Como podemos lastimas ellos que amamos tanto?

pain

Why is it that we often have to go through a very painful time in order to learn the things that we need to learn?
Kind of a stupid question I guess. It's because we don't listen when things are going well. I think God has been trying to tell me a lot of these things for a long time, I just haven't been listening, so he had to punch me in the face and let me do something really stupid and painful to get my attention.
Hopefully this will teach me to learn better in the future. One thing is for sure, I'm a lot closer to God now than I have been in a long time, but that doesn't change the fact that this is a very painful time....my heart hurts so much.

God's teaching me a lot about not living for myself, because I've been doing that for a long time. He hasn't been first on the list for quite a while. I'm learning to live for him, and then for others, and not to think about myself so much.

I'm also making changes in certain things that I do to ensure that I stay away from the things that have caused me trouble in the past...wish I would have done this a long time ago.

Kingdom of Heaven

I watched Kingdom of Heaven tonight-great movie.
Watching it made me want to do theatre.

There were a lot of great quotes, and maybe I'll watch it again and write them down and share some of them here, but one of them that hit me was something along the lines of "a man is not a man unless he tries to make the world better."
What am I doing to make the world better? To an extent don't I need to make myself better first? I think I have some issues to take care of before I think I'm really ready to make the world better. I've caused too much pain and heartache, things have to change.
The main character's wife recently committed suicide because her child died...how incredibly painful that must be. I didn't know my heart was capable of feeling the pain it feels now, but that pain must be far more intense than what I'm feeling...hard to imagine.

self denial

My RD from school is a very wise man...even though he is only about 2 years older than me. For graduation he gave me a book about self-denial called "In the Shadow of the Cross". I wish that I had read it then. I just picked it up today, but if I had read it sooner and taken its message to heart, I wouldn't be going through all the pain I'm dealing with now.
I made some mistakes this weekend and I'm paying dearly for it now. It hurts so much, it's hard to have faith that life will be normal again. God has been good though. He has definitely used this to draw me closer to him, and he is already beginning to show me some of the peace that I am praying for.
I lost the best thing I ever had. I don't want to move on. I don't want to fall in love again. I don't want to believe that anything else could ever come close to this.