home

I sat outside of Heemstra Hall on the still green grass, with blue sky overhead and the wind dragging leaves along the ground. The sounds of h* radio filled the air, and people talked, danced, and played air guitar on the stoop. I had just set down Hard Times and was finishing my clove. This place still feels like home, and it's good to be back. Everyone is loved here and is given a chance to invest in the lives of others. Everything is right with the world...almost.
There are too many times when I feel empty and alone. I lost my best friend and my girlfriend, I'm moving on, but there is still an emptiness in side of me. When will I learn to be content with myself and with God, and to not feel like I need someone else to fill a gap. There are times when I feel content, but I wonder if I will ever feel that way all the time. I have great friends, people who have opened their hearts to me and allowed me to become part of their lives, but they will never fill that hole. Many people say that God fills that hole when we have a strong relationship with him, but I'm not so sure. Has God put a hole inside us that only a life-long commitment to love and to cherish another human being can fulfill? I feel that way sometimes. I need someone to love me in that way, and even more, I need someone that I can love in that way. Someone I can make feel special, someone I can buy flowers for and read poetry with, or sit and talk with until all hours of the night-whether it's a deep theological discussion, or things so ordinary we won't even remember them in the morning.
I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of being in relationships that don't work out. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of having my heart broken. I hate seeing friendships lost.
What is it about love? No matter how many times I get hurt, no matter how many times I screw up, I'm going to keep coming back for more, I'm going to keep trying to do it right. Someday I'll find her, and someday that hole will be filled. I'll be able to sit back and think...all is right with the world.