home

I sat outside of Heemstra Hall on the still green grass, with blue sky overhead and the wind dragging leaves along the ground. The sounds of h* radio filled the air, and people talked, danced, and played air guitar on the stoop. I had just set down Hard Times and was finishing my clove. This place still feels like home, and it's good to be back. Everyone is loved here and is given a chance to invest in the lives of others. Everything is right with the world...almost.
There are too many times when I feel empty and alone. I lost my best friend and my girlfriend, I'm moving on, but there is still an emptiness in side of me. When will I learn to be content with myself and with God, and to not feel like I need someone else to fill a gap. There are times when I feel content, but I wonder if I will ever feel that way all the time. I have great friends, people who have opened their hearts to me and allowed me to become part of their lives, but they will never fill that hole. Many people say that God fills that hole when we have a strong relationship with him, but I'm not so sure. Has God put a hole inside us that only a life-long commitment to love and to cherish another human being can fulfill? I feel that way sometimes. I need someone to love me in that way, and even more, I need someone that I can love in that way. Someone I can make feel special, someone I can buy flowers for and read poetry with, or sit and talk with until all hours of the night-whether it's a deep theological discussion, or things so ordinary we won't even remember them in the morning.
I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of being in relationships that don't work out. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of having my heart broken. I hate seeing friendships lost.
What is it about love? No matter how many times I get hurt, no matter how many times I screw up, I'm going to keep coming back for more, I'm going to keep trying to do it right. Someday I'll find her, and someday that hole will be filled. I'll be able to sit back and think...all is right with the world.

church

About a month and a half ago I started attending a new church called Mosaic Life. It kinda fits into the emerging church category, but it also seeks to be very diverse. I've been priviledged to meet with the pastor a couple of times for coffee, and it's been great to hear parts of his story and his dream. I'm enjoying this church and I'm looking forward to getting more involved. It's definitely a refreshing change. My parents church is going through a lot of crap right now because people are being stupid, and I'm honestly glad I'm not a part of it. I never really felt a part of that church anyway, as my family started going there shortly before I left for college, and I haven't been around much. The few people that I did know a little better there have all left, and it was time for me to move on too. I'll probably be posting more on this church and my experiences there and my conversations with the pastor. I still owe you more info on "Confessions of an Economic Hitman" as well...I'll have to steal it back from the sister I lent it too.
Grace and Peace.
Love conquers all.

love

"People often don't know what they're talking about, but when they talk about love, they really don't know what they're talking about. The one sure thing you can say about love is that there isn't much you can say about it. Not that you shouldn't try. You can make analogies; love is like lots of things. One thing it's like is a trout stream: try to capture a trout stream with a dam and you get a lake, try to catch it in a bucket and you get a bucket of water; try to stick some under a microscope and you get a close-up look at some writing amorphous microcooties. A trout stream is only a trout stream when it's flowing between its own two banks, at its own pace, in its own sweet way.
Love is also like poison oak. You can't explain poison-oak itch to somebody who's never had it. And you can't explain love to somebody who's never had poison oak...ha! just kidding. What I started to say is that love really is like poison oak, it's highly contagious. Scratch it, it gets worse. Touch other people with it, they catch it too. What love is not like is your average fish; if love was a fish it would be suicidal: it wants to get caught.
I don't know where I caught it first. I suspect that maybe I had it all my life but didn't know it--maybe because of all that cool trout-water pouring over it, lulling it, numbing it, hypnotizing me into not feeling it. I suspect maybe everyone is covered with it, but most everybody doesn't know it for one reason or another. And I suspect that anybody who thinks they don't have it and thinks they don't want it had better be damned careful, because it can get you anytime, anyplace, anyhow, and you don't even know you have it till you find yourself scratching, and the more you scratch the more it itches, and the more it itches the more you like it till you're so infested with the stuff that you sit around writing crap like this when you could be out fishing! It's scary, that love! It can make you dangerous to yourself. It can change you. It can make you do strange things."
-David James Duncan The River Why

I recently finished reading this book and loved it. Pretty great stuff. It spoke to my heart about love and about God. It made me laugh a lot too:)

thankfulness

I don't tend to complain a lot (at least I don't think I do), but I'm not generally very content. I think about how I don't like my job, how I'm sick of living at home, how do I don't feel very useful, how my closest friends aren't around here, and how painful it is to learn the things God is teaching me some times.
But the truth is, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a job that pays well and gives me insurance, and it's pretty easy. I have a great family, and this is a wonderful opportunity to spend time with them and get to know the four most recent additions (and living at home is helping me save money). I have friends here to be thankful for, and I am friends with amazing people scattered all over the country that I have shared wonderful experiences with. I'm learning a lot, even though it's painful, and I'm becoming the man God wants me to be. I'm learning to love and to be loved.
I may not feel very useful right now, but instead of complaining I should do something about that. I think I need to find some sort of organization to volunteer with or something...

P.S. It snowed here...and it stuck on the ground :) Much to be thankful for...it's beautiful.

self-worth

"Don't let anyone else define your self-worth, that's between you and God."
One of our theatre profs used to tell us this all the time. Good advice, but it's definitely hard to do. We let other people define our worth in so many ways.

time zone

Oops....I never set the time zone on this blog...so I actually posted three hours later than it says on all previous posts...just so ya know :)

storms and books

I love thunderstorms...they are so beautiful and powerful.

I love books...I've recently discovered that reading is a great way to take my mind off certain things. I finally finished The Idiot. I love Russian literature, although I like Tolstoy a little more than Dostoyevsky, he does a better job at pulling the reader into the story and captivating one's attention.

I read Confessions of an Economic Hitman over the past week or so. I will definitely post more on this later, but I would definitely recommend it, it was amazing.

I picked A People's History of the United States back up...I had kind of forgotten about it. It's fascintating, but I'm not going to lie-it reads like a history textbook a lot of the time. This makes for very slow going.

At the suggestion of a friend, I picked up The River Why this weekend, I think I'm very much going to enjoy it.

I'm excited to read Tan Como el Jazz soon (Blue like Jazz in Spanish). I enjoy Donald Miller, and this should be a great chance to practice my Spanish skills.

Lots of reading to do...but now I'm going to bed.

Peace.

October and Atol

I made atol this morning...mmmm...brings me back to Nicaragua y la Casita Amarilla. I miss Central America:(

It's October! I love October in Michigan, it's beautiful. It's also a sign that something is closer...